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Three
Modes of sexuality
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Three Modes of Sexuality from my coming new book,
Better Sex in 14 days.
One thing that has helped me in my understanding
and growth in my sexuality is the concept of
three modes of sexuality. I was introduced to
this concept in my sexological bodywork course
at the Advanced School of the Study of Human
Sexuality.
Six researcher, Donald Mosher originally
developed this way of looking at sexuality.
David Snartch develops these ideas in his
excellent book Passionate Marriage.
Let’s divide how we make love into three
categories: sexual trance, connection and role
playing. These categories are useful in putting
words into your sexual experiences and finding
way is to communicate to your partner. They’re
also a way you can to look at your own sexuality
and see areas that you could grow. They also
allow you to understand your partners style of
sexuality and how this could differ from your
own.
Let’s look at the style of making love called
trance. This way of making love involves
focusing on your body sensations. Your feelings
of getting aroused, the tingling going in your
body, feeling of energy flowing in your body,
the feeling of organisms in your body.
If you enjoy this style of lovemaking, sex is
like an altered state of consciousness and in
some way as it can be like a drug high. You like
sex where you take turns in giving and receiving
as you to go into your sensations. Your eyes are
generally closed. You don’t want your partner to
be too intrusive. You don’t like much talk
because it takes you out of your sensations. You
do not like your partner asking you about what
you want or how you are feelings. You do not
like much eye contact.
Most men go into a trance state at the point of
an ejaculation orgasm. The eyes are closed; they
are totally focused on the sensations of coming,
generally they are not feeling that connected to
the lover. I like asking men if they ever
ejaculate looking at the eyes of their lover and
in most cases the answer is eyes closed.
Each of the modes of sexuality can have
different levels of depth. At a shallow level of
trance you can be distracted by outside noises
or thoughts about your day to day life. As you
go deeper into sexual trance, the sensations
become stronger with less distracting thoughts
and feelings. You become more present and in
your body. At the deeper levels of trance, you
are totally in the moment and unaware of outside
noises. I have heard experiences of men in a
Taoist erotic massage, that is designed to take
you into trance states, have the massage table
collapse, and they do not even notice and they
stay in their deep state.
I once had a love of called L. Even a light
touch on L’s body would start the process of her
going into a trance state. After sex, she
described the wonderful places she had been and
the beautiful orgasmic experiences she had. The
eyes were always closed and the touch was one
way, me touching her. Unfortunately, although I
could feel her orgasmic energy in my body, I
could not follow her into her trance states. I
do think it is possible to become so sensitive
that you can follow someone into trance during
sex. I felt like I was a travel agent when
making love to her. After making love we did
talk and we started to explore the next style of
lovemaking which I call connection.
I experienced another lover who was able to go
to a profound level of trance. At the time, I
was just touching her G and she was in a
continuous state of valley style orgasms that
rolled on and on. Then I noticed that her
breathing became more refined and eventually
stopped. During this process I remained still
with just a light touch on her G spot. She
remained in this state of the suspension of
breath for about 30 seconds. She came out of
this deep state and started breathing lightly
again and then went into the state of suspension
of breath. This happened about three times.
After this experience, she talked about how
profound and spiritual the experience was. It
was like going beyond everything, the state of
unboundedness, a state even beyond thoughts. I
noticed in the coming weeks but she was
different, more loving and peaceful. I felt this
one experience had an effect for months. I felt
good inside myself that I had played a part in
taking her so deep.
Connection is a sexual mode that is illustrated
in romantic novels. It’s about connecting with
your partner with your heart, affections and
feelings. If you’d like this way of making love,
you find foreplay involves a lot of kissing and
hugging and you like a lot of body contact,
romance, courting and even love songs.
When you first fall in love there is usually
magic between you. There is a lot of lovemaking
and feelings and sex involves a merging together
of souls. This highly romantic state usually
lasts up to 6 months or so. Usually there is
some fantasy and projection in this romantic
state. Unfortunately, sooner or later the
reality hits.
As in trance, they are different levels of
connection. At the deepest level of connection
which most people don’t experience, there is a
total merging with your partner and the
universe, you become one and sex becomes a deep
spiritual experience.
Eye contact is common in this mode as you truly
accept and love each other and is not based on
fantasies or projections. If you go deep into
this style of lovemaking you share a beautiful
profound love for each other.
Our society tends to teach us that connection is
that correct style of lovemaking. One needs to
be in love, married and committed before having
sex. Most women are brought up with this
attitude and generally emphasize this mode in
lovemaking.
This style of lovemaking is developed by tantra.
Tantra emphasizes connecting on all levels, the
heart and mind and the sexual energies. Tantra
emphasizes overcoming any shame around our
sexuality and feeling pleasure and opening up
and removing any blocks. In the following
practical program we will do some beautiful
exercises that will develop love and connection.
I would like to talk about one of my experiences
of connection. I was with a very orgasmic woman
and she was in a continuous state of organism. I
was just holding her hands and looking into her
eyes. We were not having intercourse but just
lying opposite each other. I set an intention to
bring her energy in my body. I then started to
have orgasm as without ejaculation, totally in
time with her orgasms. When she stopped my
orgasms stopped And when she started, I started
orgasming. Who was leading who we did not know.
It was a beautiful state of our orgasmic energy
being totally connected.
The third mode of sexuality is called role play.
If you like acting out fantasies and playing
roles then you’re into role playing. In talking
to couples I find that this mode is more
difficult. It requires a lot of self worth and
maturity to act out rolls without bringing out
issues around your sexuality. This is a pity
because role playing can be a lot of fun. It brings in laughter and light heartedness
into sex.
Let me share one of my fantasies. I am driving
and I see a beautiful attractive female
hitchhiker. I stop and pick her up and there is
an immediate attraction. .We talk a little and
the sexual vibe is amazing. She has this short
dress on and she slowly pulls her dress up. I
see that she has no panties on. I stop driving
and we immediately kiss. We have great sex in
the car.
So this is easy to play out with a willing
partner. I drop off my lover who is dressed to
seduce, and then drive past a minute later as I
don’t want any other man picking her up!
Role playing can also be very healing. I know a
couple that like playing the bondage and
submissive role with padded handcuffs and other
props. They told me that a lot of healing has
occurred when acting out being dominant and
submissive. In this couple, the man generally
played the dominant role and the woman the
submissive role. The man grew in his ability
to be in his masculine energy and lead the
woman, and the women learned how to surrender
more, let go and fully experience her full
sexual nature. The props of being tired up
helped the couple to heal.
In my fourteen days to better sex program we
will explore a few, fun role playing exercises.
I was rather surprised when one of my teachers
explained that 80% of couples are role playing
in sex. This is because most couples make love
the same way each time. They’re playing a role
that they have played again and again. This
generally involves kissing, touching the
breasts, intercourse for five minutes and an
orgasm with ejaculating for the man and going to
sleep. If the woman does not have organisms from
intercourse, (only 30% do) then he touches her
clitoris first, so she organisms Then intercourse
for five minutes. Research backs up this rather
depressing reality of sex for most couples. The
average time of sex in America is around sixteen
minutes and the time of the intercourse is about
eight.
What mode is more comfortable for you? Talk to
your partner about these ideas. Sometimes, one
partner likes trance and the other partner
engagement or connection. This leads to unhappy
experiences in lovemaking.
What mode of lovemaking we find it easier
depends on how we will brought up, the attitudes
and our personality. The modes that we do not
explore perhaps some fear.. If we go
through this fear and start exploring these
modes we start to grow. Our sexuality becomes a
way of profound growth.
When one starts to explore all three modes of
sexuality at any depth, sex becomes different
every time you make love. Going deeper in any
mode of sexuality will give you more profound
and satisfying sex. If you have been in a
relationship for sometime, exploring your
sexuality will result in healing and sex will
become, beautiful,
heartfelt, about energy and deep pleasure, about
spiritual states, and about connecting your
hearts. The best thing is you will want to make
love much more. Men take note!
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